to the past four years...

warning: my post is going to be raw and talk about extremely hard topics. If mental health issues can be triggering for you, or you don't want to read about my honest experience, please do not continue.


I give myself dates. I tell myself: get to your next birthday, get to friday, get to May, get to walking down the stage at graduation. These weren't dates to just help me power through the trials and tribulations of everyday, but dates for me to keep myself alive till.

I am clinically diagnosed with severe general and social anxiety. As a result, I was also diagnosed with severe depression in my sophomore year of high school. 

I would say my high school journey doesn't completely follow that of a typical student, but it does follow the path of someone deeply struggling with mental illness. My days were filled with the normal events of homework and balancing work and friends-- but they were also filled with panic attacks and break downs. I went on 5 different medicines, changed through four therapists, and went down a black hole my junior year. This hole was one I thought was inescapable.

As someone who has always been draw to english, I journaled everything. All my negative thoughts were scribbled down in three journals throughout high school-- tracking my ups and my lows.

On November 5, 2017 I wrote: "it comes with great sadness and a heavy heart that I finally have reached this point of nothingness. I don't know if I even want to get better anymore because that means setting myself up to fall again."

On December 7, 2018 (a year later) I wrote: "I keep setting dates to make it to, but it is just getting harder and harder. Life would just be much better without me."

I was spiraling into a pit of depression and suicidal tendencies. Every day grew harder. Getting out of bed was a challenge and the things that mattered once before suddenly just didn't. I had pushed all of my friends away, ending some relationships permanently, and was making poor decisions. My grades and attendance were slipping and it was looking less and less likely I was going to make it to my goal of graduation.

A year later, in 2019, I was lost in a world of self harm. My journal entries were written as though I were already dead: "I was never there and pushed you all away. I guess I must really like to see myself hurt. Please forgive me."

I began writing lists of what I had to do before I finally committed to my exit from the world. I wrote lists of things to give to certain friends. I wrote letters. I wrote last wishes. I was ready for the end.

I want to say high school was the best four years of my life and I want to say I loved every second of it, but that would truly be a lie. These past four years have been the toughest test of my own strength. They have challenged me by hitting my rock bottom. But more importantly, it is through Millbrook that I was able to still go on.

My parents never let me quit. They gave me love and support for days but they would not let me stop. My therapy became more intense, I started sleeping in their bedroom on a mattress on the floor, and I wasn't allowed to be alone. This felt embarrassing as a junior in high school. But quickly, my attendance rose and with it my grades.

I committed myself to what I was involved with at school-- constantly looking for the joy in it. Through wrestling managing and the foundation I was involved with, I gained gratitude and created new families who were not blood. Through MEB, I began to recognize my strengths and see purpose. Through IB, my brain kept stimulated and my passion for learning grew. Through my school friends, I felt the warmth of human connection and stayed sane.

My teachers were my nurses. My friends the vistors that cheered me up. And Millbrook was my lifeline.

I owe my growth to many-- my parents, my friends, and all the ib students/teachers. I owe it to myself. But I don't just owe you my growth, I owe you my life.

In July 2019 I wrote: "There are days I feel just as I did filling up the pages earlier in this journal. There are some days I feel worse. But more often, there are days I don't. There are days I smile without a mask. There are days I feel more than emptiness and numbness. There is laughter, there is love, and there is hope. It gets better. Thank you to everyone. I love you all."

And since that day, I have yet to write another page in that journal. In fact, I started a new one devoted to the light in my life instead.

I guess what I have to leave you with is this: life is tough, but so are you. We are all humans. We come from the same dust. We all go through rock bottoms (probably a few across a lifetime) and we have to fight like hell to get out of them. But you can and you will, eventually. I will continue to have bad days and I continue to struggle with my disorders but I wake up knowing what a miracle it is to be alive.

I set dates. I probably won't get to walk across that stage to celebrate this remarkable feat. However, I know that it is not in the glory of a finish line but in the strength of the stride. It is what got me here and what keeps me going. It is in knowing I am still alive and knowing all of you are too-- for that, I am forever thankful.

Walt Whitman

Abby's FUN Findings: Source

Walt Whitman's Notebook Cover

Note: The wear and tear of the book cover. This book is made of leather, a durable material that lasts long. The immense weathering of this material came from frequent handling and usage of the notebook. The caption said he kept this journal in his coat pocket at most times. It can be inferenced that this journal was extremely important to him (because he held it close to his chest near his heart) and helped Walt Whitman interpret life.

Note: Walt writes here that the journal holds a "dialogue" between Abe Lincoln and himself. The pace and slant of his writing show that he is jotting down thoughts as they come rather than spending significant time planning his journal. The letters and sentences include a lot of space and are informal. Thus showing how this journal is a representation of his mind and feelings rather than anything else. The idea of an imaginary dialogue between him and Lincoln is odd and draws to question his state of mind during this time. The comments show that Walt Whitman never actually met Lincoln but did see him speak-- they wonder if he perhaps had the journal that day or not. 

Note: The commentary states that these two religions he notes, or platforms, are likely the divide going on in the country at the time. Whitman is using this to show the "political and philosophical divide." It also gave background to his views on slavery that align similarly with Lincoln's. Is the use of Lincoln in his journal because of this similarity? Does Walt Whitman feel a connection to him in these ways or see himself as important as Lincoln? I also think the choice of religious mention as a descriptor here is interesting because it indicates how often political views fully enveloped religious ones too-- it also describes the severity of the way people supported their own beliefs/platform. Is Whitman drawing religion here because he is religious himself? Is he questioning religion at all? 

Note: I completely and absolutely love everything about this line Whitman wrote. He originally has a more pessimistic view from his original thoughts. He is probably naturally a cynical person or immediately inclined to that line of thought. However, what is so interesting is that it is evident that Whitman read through his journal again and added the simple word-- "perhaps." The addition of the line perhaps uplifts the line and allows for possibility. It shows Whitman to be reflective and hopeful at heart rather than mind. The desire for him to add the word speaks multitudes to his mindset at the time and the uncertainty of the times themselves.

 Note: The sudden change to many pages of sketches caught me off guard. Firstly, I noted that he was a good artist. In his pieces you can feel the observation from the angles of his art as well. This overtly shows how observational he is as an individual-- taking in the details of the world around him easily-- and having the gift to show them on paper. I like the rushed nature of the sketches-- they have detail and skill but the type of skill that comes from natural talent. You can see the parts he scribbled all are on the outside parts of his faces. However, the detail and shading centers on the face-- as if he wanted to for sure capture each's features and essence. Furthermore, it is odd he regressed to sketches rather than starting with them. It is not typical to start in words and change to sketches. I may have missed it but I don't recall many words being written at this time. Did Whitman lack words for a reason? Why the change? What do the different mediums of expression say about his mindset and the times?

Note: I adored this sketch. I also adored the commentary on it. It is mysterious and elusive. It draws me in. I think his arms suggest the same feeling as the perhaps in the line above. The background seems to be a sunset which would be more negative but if it is a rise instead-- does that mean Whitman still has hope? The skull having hair and a headpiece make me question if it was based on someone he knew himself. The body being a heart is also bizarre-- is it his heart? Why is it pierced? This sketch leaves me with more questions than anything else. It inspires lots of interpretations. I think that speaks to Whitman and his purpose.

 Note: I like the notice in tone shift and what Whitman's words could be implying. This annotator rocks. I also wanted to point this out because I loved the phrase "is all then lost?" It truly shows how Whitman is unsure himself and is thinking through the many outcomes deeply. It reminded me of something I might write myself when overwhelmed by all the chaos and bad in the world.

 Note: "And you" really stood out to me. I love how the commentary ends in a question up for interpretation. I love how Whitman does not write that directly. Everything he says has to be interpreted and can be taken many ways-- even his sketches.

Note: Lastly-- why is this? Does it show age regression in a sense of a turn in the times. Does it show deterioration of his mind? Does it show a change in perspective? WHY?