to the past four years...

warning: my post is going to be raw and talk about extremely hard topics. If mental health issues can be triggering for you, or you don't want to read about my honest experience, please do not continue.


I give myself dates. I tell myself: get to your next birthday, get to friday, get to May, get to walking down the stage at graduation. These weren't dates to just help me power through the trials and tribulations of everyday, but dates for me to keep myself alive till.

I am clinically diagnosed with severe general and social anxiety. As a result, I was also diagnosed with severe depression in my sophomore year of high school. 

I would say my high school journey doesn't completely follow that of a typical student, but it does follow the path of someone deeply struggling with mental illness. My days were filled with the normal events of homework and balancing work and friends-- but they were also filled with panic attacks and break downs. I went on 5 different medicines, changed through four therapists, and went down a black hole my junior year. This hole was one I thought was inescapable.

As someone who has always been draw to english, I journaled everything. All my negative thoughts were scribbled down in three journals throughout high school-- tracking my ups and my lows.

On November 5, 2017 I wrote: "it comes with great sadness and a heavy heart that I finally have reached this point of nothingness. I don't know if I even want to get better anymore because that means setting myself up to fall again."

On December 7, 2018 (a year later) I wrote: "I keep setting dates to make it to, but it is just getting harder and harder. Life would just be much better without me."

I was spiraling into a pit of depression and suicidal tendencies. Every day grew harder. Getting out of bed was a challenge and the things that mattered once before suddenly just didn't. I had pushed all of my friends away, ending some relationships permanently, and was making poor decisions. My grades and attendance were slipping and it was looking less and less likely I was going to make it to my goal of graduation.

A year later, in 2019, I was lost in a world of self harm. My journal entries were written as though I were already dead: "I was never there and pushed you all away. I guess I must really like to see myself hurt. Please forgive me."

I began writing lists of what I had to do before I finally committed to my exit from the world. I wrote lists of things to give to certain friends. I wrote letters. I wrote last wishes. I was ready for the end.

I want to say high school was the best four years of my life and I want to say I loved every second of it, but that would truly be a lie. These past four years have been the toughest test of my own strength. They have challenged me by hitting my rock bottom. But more importantly, it is through Millbrook that I was able to still go on.

My parents never let me quit. They gave me love and support for days but they would not let me stop. My therapy became more intense, I started sleeping in their bedroom on a mattress on the floor, and I wasn't allowed to be alone. This felt embarrassing as a junior in high school. But quickly, my attendance rose and with it my grades.

I committed myself to what I was involved with at school-- constantly looking for the joy in it. Through wrestling managing and the foundation I was involved with, I gained gratitude and created new families who were not blood. Through MEB, I began to recognize my strengths and see purpose. Through IB, my brain kept stimulated and my passion for learning grew. Through my school friends, I felt the warmth of human connection and stayed sane.

My teachers were my nurses. My friends the vistors that cheered me up. And Millbrook was my lifeline.

I owe my growth to many-- my parents, my friends, and all the ib students/teachers. I owe it to myself. But I don't just owe you my growth, I owe you my life.

In July 2019 I wrote: "There are days I feel just as I did filling up the pages earlier in this journal. There are some days I feel worse. But more often, there are days I don't. There are days I smile without a mask. There are days I feel more than emptiness and numbness. There is laughter, there is love, and there is hope. It gets better. Thank you to everyone. I love you all."

And since that day, I have yet to write another page in that journal. In fact, I started a new one devoted to the light in my life instead.

I guess what I have to leave you with is this: life is tough, but so are you. We are all humans. We come from the same dust. We all go through rock bottoms (probably a few across a lifetime) and we have to fight like hell to get out of them. But you can and you will, eventually. I will continue to have bad days and I continue to struggle with my disorders but I wake up knowing what a miracle it is to be alive.

I set dates. I probably won't get to walk across that stage to celebrate this remarkable feat. However, I know that it is not in the glory of a finish line but in the strength of the stride. It is what got me here and what keeps me going. It is in knowing I am still alive and knowing all of you are too-- for that, I am forever thankful.

Walt Whitman

Abby's FUN Findings: Source

Walt Whitman's Notebook Cover

Note: The wear and tear of the book cover. This book is made of leather, a durable material that lasts long. The immense weathering of this material came from frequent handling and usage of the notebook. The caption said he kept this journal in his coat pocket at most times. It can be inferenced that this journal was extremely important to him (because he held it close to his chest near his heart) and helped Walt Whitman interpret life.

Note: Walt writes here that the journal holds a "dialogue" between Abe Lincoln and himself. The pace and slant of his writing show that he is jotting down thoughts as they come rather than spending significant time planning his journal. The letters and sentences include a lot of space and are informal. Thus showing how this journal is a representation of his mind and feelings rather than anything else. The idea of an imaginary dialogue between him and Lincoln is odd and draws to question his state of mind during this time. The comments show that Walt Whitman never actually met Lincoln but did see him speak-- they wonder if he perhaps had the journal that day or not. 

Note: The commentary states that these two religions he notes, or platforms, are likely the divide going on in the country at the time. Whitman is using this to show the "political and philosophical divide." It also gave background to his views on slavery that align similarly with Lincoln's. Is the use of Lincoln in his journal because of this similarity? Does Walt Whitman feel a connection to him in these ways or see himself as important as Lincoln? I also think the choice of religious mention as a descriptor here is interesting because it indicates how often political views fully enveloped religious ones too-- it also describes the severity of the way people supported their own beliefs/platform. Is Whitman drawing religion here because he is religious himself? Is he questioning religion at all? 

Note: I completely and absolutely love everything about this line Whitman wrote. He originally has a more pessimistic view from his original thoughts. He is probably naturally a cynical person or immediately inclined to that line of thought. However, what is so interesting is that it is evident that Whitman read through his journal again and added the simple word-- "perhaps." The addition of the line perhaps uplifts the line and allows for possibility. It shows Whitman to be reflective and hopeful at heart rather than mind. The desire for him to add the word speaks multitudes to his mindset at the time and the uncertainty of the times themselves.

 Note: The sudden change to many pages of sketches caught me off guard. Firstly, I noted that he was a good artist. In his pieces you can feel the observation from the angles of his art as well. This overtly shows how observational he is as an individual-- taking in the details of the world around him easily-- and having the gift to show them on paper. I like the rushed nature of the sketches-- they have detail and skill but the type of skill that comes from natural talent. You can see the parts he scribbled all are on the outside parts of his faces. However, the detail and shading centers on the face-- as if he wanted to for sure capture each's features and essence. Furthermore, it is odd he regressed to sketches rather than starting with them. It is not typical to start in words and change to sketches. I may have missed it but I don't recall many words being written at this time. Did Whitman lack words for a reason? Why the change? What do the different mediums of expression say about his mindset and the times?

Note: I adored this sketch. I also adored the commentary on it. It is mysterious and elusive. It draws me in. I think his arms suggest the same feeling as the perhaps in the line above. The background seems to be a sunset which would be more negative but if it is a rise instead-- does that mean Whitman still has hope? The skull having hair and a headpiece make me question if it was based on someone he knew himself. The body being a heart is also bizarre-- is it his heart? Why is it pierced? This sketch leaves me with more questions than anything else. It inspires lots of interpretations. I think that speaks to Whitman and his purpose.

 Note: I like the notice in tone shift and what Whitman's words could be implying. This annotator rocks. I also wanted to point this out because I loved the phrase "is all then lost?" It truly shows how Whitman is unsure himself and is thinking through the many outcomes deeply. It reminded me of something I might write myself when overwhelmed by all the chaos and bad in the world.

 Note: "And you" really stood out to me. I love how the commentary ends in a question up for interpretation. I love how Whitman does not write that directly. Everything he says has to be interpreted and can be taken many ways-- even his sketches.

Note: Lastly-- why is this? Does it show age regression in a sense of a turn in the times. Does it show deterioration of his mind? Does it show a change in perspective? WHY?

The American Dream

Wealth in 20s

The American Dream.

I have always found myself finding this term rather stupid to say it bluntly. It might be partially because I have grown up in America in modern times where I live in a middle class family in a good life. While I have seen my parents struggle, it is never from the ground up like the American Dream seems to encompass. As I have always seen it portrayed to me in various medias, The American Dream is the promise of being able to go from nothing to wherever you want to end up in this land. That America offers the freedom and opportunity to make all dreams possible.

The definition of the original American Dream from the Declaration of Independence, "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" inspired hope as immigrants came to the United States looking for more. While many found it, America's history holistically has not been completely based on the successes of these people, but the downfall of many in their paths. Is the American Dream, in reality, destroying those in your way to get to the top? Or is it an idealistic term that represents a lot more work than most bargain for?

Again I go back to myself in this time. I have been born into the middle class, which allows me the means to be able to work hard to end up the same amount of well off or possibly richer. But I would not say that this fact remains true across the board, which is where we run into the "wealth" aspect. The idealistic version of The American Dream is that anyone, from any background, can make it big and swim in large amounts of money. This completely follows the Gatsby version of this Dream: never accepting his poor farming parents, leaving at sixteen, chasing the wealth of Cody, and changing his name to his new life: one of materialism and piles of wealth. But in America it seems that this version of reality is one that the percentage of those who take that life path is slim and it grows even slimmer if you are a minority, female, etc. As many pretend in these times that those factors do not and have never played into being able to reap the benefits of The America Dream, they do and they always have. As seen by Fitzgerald in the novel, the old money families such as Tom speak of themselves as being the superior race and wanting to keep that through their wealth.

So, what is wealth? I think, personally, when you dive into our social classes one can begin to find it. In Gatsby, wealth is the money, the lavish parties, the pouring expensive champagne into pools because why not. Wealth is materialism in the 20s. To me, wealth in one aspect is having money, enough of it to live comfortably but it is also the argument Fitzgerald makes. As seen at the end of the story, after Gatsby has lived out The American Dream with piles of wealth, he dies and is left without love and friends. That is where my second definition comes into play. Wealth is what we value, it is what gives our lives purpose-- for some, maybe that is money, but for others it is knowing that we are all in this together. Fitzgerald shows how easy it is to get caught up in the glitz and the glam. Through Gatsby, he shows the unrealistic nature of The American Dream and how it faults. But above all, he shows that the true Dream is finding out what wealth is to you.

Lady Macbeth IOC Practice

IOC Recording

Prep Documents

Criteria: 

A: I felt like I had a good overall knowledge and understanding but I was so nervous that it did not come through. I would give myself a 4-5 on this. It was superficial in the sense I made claims but barely backed them up with examples. It verged on adequate because some of these were backed up and supported the context. 

B: I would give myself a 3-4 because I mentioned literary features but did not go into much dept and struggled with referencing examples. This was really hard for me to figure out because my organization fluctuated within the IOC pratice. 

C: Organization was like a 2-- because of this, the rest of my IOC practice struggled. I found myself forgetting to mention Shakespeares name and connecting to my claim. I also found myself jumping around from point to point. 

D: My language was a 2 because it was occasionally clear but I used terms such as "like" and "sneaky" because of my nerves. I needed to be more professional and flow each section and point together more. 

A Nation of Translations

Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka 

The novel, Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, was published originally in 1915. The plot of this novel is about Gregor Samsa, the main character, transforming into an insect and his struggle with this identity. He is author who has highlighted the genre of absurdity through the reaction of the public after World War I. However, Camus argues that Kafka rather failed at this genre because his works establish hope. 

This blog post will compare the aspects of diction, syntax, imagery, structure, etc through four different translations to establish the importance and affect of each. 

Original: Als Gregor Samsa eines Morgens aus unruhigen Träumen erwachte, fand er sich in seinem Bett zu einem ungeheuren Ungeziefer verwandelt.

#1: Gregory Samsa woke from uneasy dreams one morning to find himself changed into a giant bug.

• diction (connotation/denotation): 
• Uneasy: negative connotation due it being uncomfortable for one to feel "unsure" and not good. The word implies something about the dreams were disturbing in nature and not typical. 
• Giant: The word means he was huge which could translate to the struggle as well being giant. It is of medium of intensity in scale descriptors. 
• Changed: That something had to have caused the change and it was just a difference in appearance. 
• Bug: It has a slight negative connotation becomes it begins to border on the pest side rather than the proper terminology side. It also is how like a kid or someone talking quickly would probably describe the insect-- especially someone with little knowledge of the bug. 
• syntax: 
• Woke vs. Awoke 
• The sentence is direct in nature by giving out a lot of facts in a medium-short sentence.
• The process of the sentence follows the process Samsa would have gone through to find out he was a bug: woken up, noted the dreams, discovered the new truth. 
• imagery/details:
• Giant: The bug he has turned into is not just a tiny insect, but one of a large quality. This could either mean as far as insect measurements go, he is giant or that he is a man-sized insect. 
• Set the setting: his bedroom and the time: One morning
• Keeps it elusive enough that time is listed by not necessarily specified in memory-- it was just "one morning." 
• structure: 
• The sentence length is medium to short and it is concise.
• There is not much imagery or narrative just basics. 
• This overall summarizes the events which almost minimizes them and makes them seem natural. 
• No punctuation pauses

#2: When Gregor Samsa awoke from troubled dreams one morning he found he had been transformed in his bed into an enormous bug.

• diction (connotation/denotation): 
• Troubled: This word has a very negative connotation because it implies that they presented an issue to Samsa and caused a true disturbance. 
• The addition of "in his bed" concludes that he realized quickly as well as in a place of comfort. 
• Transformed: The word implies a dramatic change and one that could alter more than just appearance. 
• Enormous: This word would be bigger than "giant" and is more expressive in nature. 
• Bug: Same observations as translation one. 
• syntax:
• Woke vs. Awoke
• When being first in the sentence gives the sentence a sense of time and order.
• The most important details start and conclude the sentence. 
• imagery/details:
• Sets the scene: setting of his bed and time: one morning 
• Present sense of time flow
• Enormous: Makes him as a bug seem larger than life and a normal sized insect.
• Note the lack of specificity when it comes to bug type and general lack of extreme detail. 
• structure:
• Again, the sentence length is shorter and to the point. This sentence stretches on the longer side because it mentions the bed in it. 
• Not any punctuation pauses 

#3: As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

• diction (connotation/denotation) 
• Uneasy: Same as translation one.
• Dreams: This word usually has a positive connotation and one would typically use the word "nightmare" if wanting completely negative. This could imply some hope in the sentence and overall story. 
• Transformed: Same as translation two. 
• Gigantic: This term would be between giant and enormous on a scale. It provides a medium ground between the two. 
• As: Immediately upon waking up is when this occurred-- gives a "live action" play-by-play of the event almost. 
• Insect: It is a more accurate terminology of the bug which presents that there could be more knowledge on it but also creates distance. 
• syntax:
• Woke vs. awoke
• Setting of time is presented first
• Sentence ends with the mention of the insect and begins with his name: contrast?
• imagery/details
• Setting: in bed, time: "as" and one morning 
• Gives an idea to the size of bug he has changed into 
• Little imagery 
• structure:
• A longer sentence about the same length as translation 2 
• No punctuation or pauses 
• Summation of events: direct, factual, etc  

#4: One morning, upon awakening from agitated dreams, Gregor Samsa found himself, in his bed, transformed into a monstrous vermin.

• diction (connotation/denotation:
• Agitated: It introduces how Samsa felt about the dreams and how they were negative because they annoyed/bothered him greatly.
• Transformed: Same as above translations.
• Monstrous: Instead of a size, this description shows how Samsa and the author felt about his transformation. They both see it as negative and there is a sense of "ugly" or evil with that term.
• Vermin: This term is extremely negative and could be applied to more than just bugs. It shows their feelings again and shows that they are disgusted by it. It also shows ignorance almost from lack of understanding, knowledge, or appreciation. 
• syntax:
• Begins the sentence with introducing the time and event that awoke him, then introduces who he is, where he is, and the conflict. 
• Awakening vs. woke/awoke
• Puts him closer together with the direct conflict 
• imagery/details:
• The use of monstrous and vermin introduces the thought that he is ugly and may be deformed. While it gives detail on those ends, it lacks specificity when it comes to the vermin type, size, etc. 
• structure:
• Continuous use of commas and punctuation 
• Pauses created by those 
• Chucks up the setting vs. the more important details/narrative

Concluding Questions: How does the word choice, syntax, punctuation, and imagery shift in each affect meaning? Is one more effective than another? Why? What does this exercise bring up about the difficulty of reading translated texts? How do different translations effect the tone of the sentence?

All four of those-- word choice, syntax, punctuation, and imagery-- are key concepts manipulated by the author to convey their message/their purpose. When looking at word choice, the word changes the way the readers feel about what they are reading through varying tones, moods, and meaning. The author uses different words and uses their connotations and denotations to implicate how the characters feel and reflect that to readers. In turn, word choice will also vary all of the other elements of text and can easily change the meaning of just one sentence-- as seen above. Which is why, as a result, translation accuracy and the bias of the translator must be kept in mind by any critical readers. Syntax utilizes the words chosen to create a "image" with the way they are presented in the sentence sequence. This small detail in itself can help compare/contrast ideas and emphasize points the author wants to make. Punctuation aligns with syntax to create the structure of a sentence. It affects length and pacing which can alter the tone and mood of the text. Also, the use of commas and pauses can highlight key events or break up the sentence. Imagery, lastly, gives the audience the majority of the information about the text. This can include setting, time, feelings, descriptions, thoughts, etc. Imagery helps the audience visualize the characters and scenes more effectively which in turn can help the texts' messages be greater understood. On the other hand, the lack of imagery is also a style used by some authors to present a whole knew message or comment. Personally, to me, all four elements rely on each other and change when they change individually. If one had to be chosen as the most effective, I would pinpoint it to be the diction or word choice of the piece. It seems any true author knows the importance how the words they chose to convey their messages and how each word can pack a powerful punch. Word choice is what most directly can alter meaning, audience reception, message, and all three other elements the most effectively. 

Through the exercise, it is apparent that all elements such as the four listed are incredibly important to take into account by readers. The translation of a piece of literature can unintentionally alter any element and therefore change the original intention of the novel. It shows why context and background knowledge about the novel/author as well as the translations are key to know as a critical reader. If those are noted and researched properly, the reader will likely be able to understand the text as closely to the original intention of the author as possible. While in these four sentences, the main ideas are still present, the tone shifts from each. This shift in tone shows the affect of these elements and how as a reader, we might evaluate them differently because of it. 

Book Covers:: Freebie Blog

Ted Talk

Eddie Jaku: A Holocaust Survivor's Blueprint for Happiness

Quotes that stuck out to me:

• "My dear new friends ... (Laughter) My name is Eddie Jaku, and I'm standing in front of you today, a survivor of the Holocaust and a witness of the most tragic times in the history of mankind." (Ethos) 
• "I lost my dignity, my freedom, and my faith in humanity. I lost everything I lived for. I was reduced from a man to being nothing." (Pathos) 
• "I did not have a chance to say goodbye to my beloved mother, and I have missed her every day of my life. If you have the opportunity today, please go home and make sure you tell your mom how much you love her. Please do this for your new friend, Eddie." (Pathos) 
• "But I'm standing here today a happy man, who enjoys life with a wonderful wife and a beautiful family. I do not hate anyone. Hate is a disease which may destroy your enemy, but will also destroy you in the process." (Pathos) 
• "Happiness does not fall from the sky; it's in your hands." (Logos) 

Eddie Jaku is a man who has seen far beyond what we all know. He is a man that has experienced the tragedies of World War II and the mass slaughter of his own people, just for being Jewish. Jaku talks about the battles he has survived from the Holocaust-- the burning of his home, the death of his dog, the camps he was taken to, and the loss of his parents. As he tells the story of each new challenge, he shares all the darkness within that moment. Jaku discusses the horrors that haunt humanity and have many of us wondering again and again how someone could treat another in the way he was treated-- in the way Jews were treated. But after each new challenge and after each fight against all odds, Eddie Jaku talks of hope. He speaks of his miraculous survival, his wife and kids, and the happiness he has reclaimed from life. This Ted Talk is about valuing what you have and taking a moment to be grateful for the light in your life. Eddie Jaku proclaims that hope and happiness can never be lost, even in the darkest of times. Through his talk, he offers advice to his audience of how they should focus on their personal happiness and reclaim it themselves if lost. 

Jaku alone, just standing before the audience, a smile on his face is an inspirational image. But his words, heartfelt and filled with a deep rooted passion, stir up emotions far beyond just inspiration. This particular talk relied on the combination of ethos and pathos. I personally, do not think Eddie was trying to persuade the incidence in any way-- but rather share what he himself has learned through his troubles. The ethos of the matter, is that of personal experience. Eddie Jaku is a Holocaust survivor who first hand went through all of which he describes. There is no greater reliability than that of personal experience. If he, a man who has gone through all of that hardship-- most likely the worst of humankind-- can end up happy, than it must be true everyone else can as well. Through this perspective, the audience hangs on to each word and story he has to tell. Eddie Jaku has seen more and felt more than all of us can imagine, and through this, the audience puts great stock in his words. 

The pathos comes along with each story. As he begins his story, starting with when he was first taken from his home, he recalls specific details and emotions with each memory. Jaku brings in his senses at the time to develop the imagery of these memories, because to him, they are just as clear as ever. This helps the audience connect to what he is saying by being able to imagine it themselves. The pure horror that comes from each hardship, and the questions on human nature that arise from it, create a deep emotional reaction for most audience members. As we listen, we become attached to Eddie Jaku and his story. With each new piece of information, we sympathize more and more with him, truly experiencing heartache for what he, and many others, had to experience. It is, however, the hope at the end of each story that really triggers the emotional reaction. As an audience, we want nothing but happiness for Jaku and peace of mind. So when he explains that he has both, the feeling one gets is hard to put into words. It is the most heartwarming feeling of all because if anyone deserves happiness, it is someone like Eddie Jaku. 

The advice he gives is simple and logical. It is straightforward and wholesome. He wants us to be grateful-- to love and appreciate our friends and family. He wants us to stop and admire the world we have and all the happiness that comes with it. But most importantly, Jaku wants us to take happiness into our own hands. This use of logos is within this simple message. It is one no one can deny, especially not from someone like Eddie Jaku. He combines this logic, with the credibility from his life experience, to push advice onto his audience that they will likely take to heart. 

I would safety bet each member of that audience left feeling different, changed in some way. Eddie Jaku is able to effectively give such a powerful Ted Talk through the blending of all three of these elements-- but above all, through the kindness in his own heart and the love he has to share. 

I picked this Ted Talk within about twenty seconds of reading all the titles. At first, I was drawn in by the man on the front-- Eddie. I have always had a love of old people and his smile just radiated joy. When I read the title, I absolutely knew I had to watch it. Happiness to me is my whole goal in life. I have spent a lot of time in my own personal darkness, just like Eddie, on a different scale. Through that darkness, I have found what I believe to be the beginnings of my own light in life-- my own happiness. I wanted to watch this Ted Talk because I felt if Eddie Jaku could find himself happy after all he went through, I certainly could. I have to admit, I bawled the entire time I watched the video and wrote this blog. Simply because the subject of happiness hits close to home and as an individual, I sympathize deeply for others. Just like those audience members, I can say that the Ted Talk did change me in some way and my friend, Eddie Jaku, helped me see the light a little more clearly.